“Grandma’s Recipe for a Neurotypical Child”

1. Preheat oven to 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit.

2. Whisk social skills and executive functioning skills together in a bowl until combined.

I should have checked to make sure we have everything before I started baking. It’s too late now, but I can make it work. We are out of gluten social skills, so I used gluten-free instead. Hopefully, the gluten-free social skills work well with those the other children’s. As well, I put in all the executive functioning skills we had, but it was only half a teaspoon.

3. Beat limbs, torso, and physical affection together in a large bowl with the mixer on medium until fluffy.

I beat them together with the mixer on high to save time. The physical affection congealed into gift-giving affection. Mother never liked gift-giving affection. God, I’m going to ruin her recipe.

4. Reduce speed on mixer to low and beat in eye contact.

We were out of eye contact, so I whisked avoidance of eyes until it was whipped like eye contact. They look similar enough, so it should work?

5. Slowly add dry mixture (step 2) to the large bowl with the mixer on low. Mix until mixture appears homogenous.

Oh fuck! Something is reacting badly with the dry mixture! I don’t know what will happen to my neurotypical child. No. I have to get this right. I can’t be the one to mess this up, not after all these generations.

6. Add interest in topics and ability to process senses with the mixer on medium.

I bumped the table and spilled way too much interest to topics to the batter! I just keep messing things up:  for me, for my ancestors, and for my child most of all. Maybe if I just put in less ability to process senses, it will all even out?

7. Slowly add the batter to the head.

All I can do now is hope for the best.

8. OPTIONAL: Add personality traits to taste here.

9. Bake until vaguely human-shaped, around 9 months. Congrats on your new neurotypical child!

Something has gone wrong.